Beauty from Ashes #2

This is what beauty looks like sometimes.

This is a picture of my husband walking away from me, towards our house, with our 2 week old son and our girls inside.

My husband called up a local air bnb and told them about my struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety and how I haven’t gotten a single nights sleep since before our baby was born….or after. He worked out a deal with them for me to stay the night there. A nice house, somewhere close to home so if things weren’t as they seemed, or if my anxiety took over, I could drive home if need be.

Then he told me, after a girls day out (that he also worked out with a dear friend of mine), that I was going to be sleeping elsewhere that night. He would set an alarm to feed Nathan, I could take the pump with me, but I was in no way to set an alarm and that I was to get rest.

This was so hard for me to do but the doctor prescribed it and my husband followed through with it.

We can’t afford this, we put it on a credit card, what we can’t afford even more is for me to have an even worse mental breakdown dealing with the lack of sleep on top of the depression and the anxiety.

I got a blessed 9 hours of sleep and am pretty sure I didn’t move a single bit from the time my head hit the pillow until I woke the next morning.

I woke up to pump milk and went back to sleep for another 2 hours.

I woke up still tired, but I got more REST in that single night than I had in the past 2 weeks.

I needed that rest because so often I feel like a pile of ashes…..burnt out and sitting in a pile in a hearth, waiting to be stirred into a burning fire again.

Not because of the people I’m around using me and discarding me, but because this is just a side effect of how my depression and anxiety manifests itself.

Despite all of that…there is beauty.

I got sent away from my home, from my family, and from my bed….not because of hate, or strife, or anything like that, but because of the love a man has for his hurting and aching wife. My husband wanted to ensure that I finish the week off with a semblance of rest and a reminder of what I can feel like when I get it. This. This is beautiful. This is beauty.

This is a representation of what I felt like when I woke up and saw myself in the mirror the next morning.

I was able to see a glimpse of the woman I am. The woman that is NOT defined by the depression. The woman who is able to see hope.

My friend, Adam Nettesheim drew this picture (to see 2 other versions of this print and to order a copy for yourself, please click on the link embedded in his name. This is NOT an affiliate post…my friend is just super talented and does amazing work!), and while its a picture he did to help support the cause of bringing awareness to sex trafficking that is so prevelant in our society, it rang a bell with me, before I ever even knew the reason behind the drawing.

For me, the picture resonates truth. As a woman who sometimes feels broken down by lies and by shame and falling into despair and dealing with the lies that depression and anxiety brings that tells you you are never good enough, never wanted enough and never enough to be desired. Let alone desired by a king. It represents the inner struggle to see as you truly are. And the truth of the matter that God takes our broken parts and covers over it all with a blanket of love that sees past the hurt and confusion and despair and brings forth hope.

Sometimes he uses husbands to do that.

This is a glimpse into the put together me. Look! I have on clean clothes, comfy shoes, and even jewelry and my hair is brushed…but that man? The man beside me with an awesome beard? He’s beautiful. Inside and out. Last night, he was definitely the one to point out the beauty, that God brings from ashes, to me…thankyou God for this man.

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