Tag Archive | pain

Things we don’t talk about….

So the other day I was thinking of all the things that  AREN’T talked about in polite company.

Things like Post Partum Depression, anger issues we have, sin issues we deal with, bathroom habits, and more.

I would like to address a few of those in this post.

I went to a fundraising banquet last night for our local pregnancy center last night and they were addressing the issue of what they do and why they need help. They try to offer hope and healing and help for those that come into their place. From free pregnancy tests, to counseling, to clothing that is much needed when you have a baby and have nowhere else to turn to. There is aLOT more that they do too. Sometimes they help people who don’t even know they need it.

I was one of those that needed help and didn’t even realize it.

Let me share with you:
After I had Claire, I remember hardly anything of the first 3 months of her life. I was SO tired because she had severe acid reflux that would come up her esophagus and choke her so she would quit breathing, often for long periods of time until I picked her up, or moved her or blew on her face, or whatever the many other tricks were that I learned to do during that time…it went undiagnosed UNTIL she was 3 months old. I don;t remember getting any sleep longer than an hour at a time during those first 3 months… she also had jaundice, hip dysplasia and crossed eyes.

Add another child to a mix of any number and usually you are tired for the first few weeks until you get a habit down…add the mix this kid brought to play with another child who also needed attention and it was a case for disaster. I don’t remember reveling in the newness of this new life, I don’t remember being happy, I just remember bone weary exhaustion.

I remember when I went to the dr’s and they ask you to fill out those survey things the question always came up “do you want to hurt yourself or your child” and I remember thinking…this is a STUPID question! no, I don’t want to hurt them. I just want them to shut up and stop crying and stop being kids for 2 hours so I can get rest. Stop needing me.  Stop crying…stop stop stop!

Little did I know that this was the beginning of post partum depression. I was not sad, I was not suicidal, I was not angry…I was just…not me.

Now alot of you might be thinking “well if she only had a good support group in place, this would not have happened”…I think I have THE best support group in the world. My husband is an AWESOME support and encourager, my family lives very close by, my mom and 2 sisters are some of the best helpers in the world, my sister in law who is also my best friend lives 3 blocks away from me, I have a great, caring, loving church family, and my inlaws came down for the first week of the babys life to help out, and not the least, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am a wide eyed sanctified, blood bought, spirit taught, bible quoting, scripture toting, born again christian.  (that is a quote from a t-shirt from back in the 80’s…but I loved it then and it popped into my head!).

So it is NOT that I didn’t have spiritual/physical support either.

The problem is NOT whether you have a great support group or not…the problem was I did not know what to say to people other than “i’m tired…so very tired”… and that is NORMAL for a momma with a new baby.  I didn’t know how to voice what was going on in my head and my heart to those that I had been so recently gushing to about how excited I was for this new life that we planned on having, that we looked forward to having for so long and now…now I was not so sure I could handle being her momma. Let alone just BEING.

I remember going to the local pregnancy center and walking in and just sitting the baby down, letting Sarah play and just sitting and crying.  The kind lady (who is now a friend) asked me if I wanted to watch the video on “the baby blues”…I just laughed and I thought “here goes another one asking me if I want to kill myself! I DON’T! why won’t they get it?!”…but all I SAID was ..sure. whatever.

After watching the video and recognizing so many of the symptoms as what *I* was dealing with, I sobbed some more and I thought “How can I be a good momma if I am depressed?! Aren’t I supposed to be leaping for joy that I just brought another life into the world when so many have miscarriages or just ACHE to hold a baby? How can I be a good mom if I feel this way?”… the kind lady offered to pray with me and just sat and listened to me cry and then suggested that I talk with someone. My preacher, a friend or my doctor.

There was NO way I was going to say any of this to my friends and family…or even to my husband..how could I? They would think I was nuts! (this btw, is NOT true I have learned…well..they DO think I am nuts but not for this!) so the next dr’s appt I mentioned to my dr’ what I was dealing with and she said she thought I was dealing with PPD too. She gave me some info on the baby blues connection, a phone number that you can call and just talk to someone. just tell them and they say “thats ok…this is normal. you are NOT crazy for feeling this way.”…they also offer support and guidance on WHAT to do…how to get through JUST that minute. or hour. or day. or week.

After that, I mentioned it to my husband and my close friends and close family.  I did not share it with the world, there was NO way I was ever going to blog about it.

Why am I talking about this when the blogs I have recently been doing have been talking about The Tummy Team and the program I have been doing? Why did I bring up sin, anger, etc… because I think aLOT if not ALL of it is all connected.

I just recently had a conversation with my midwife about how so many things are connected.  I learned this while in rehab from a car accident years ago. I tried to wiggle my toes and my pelvis hurt. I tried to lift my arms and my pelvis hurt…EVERYTHING was connected.

Its not JUST the physical though. How many times have we seen our kids try to lie to us (when it is not the norm) and we see their “tell”…the twitch in their face or the eyes look away when they lie or the mouth quirks up just so, letting us as parents know that our kid is lying. Its because it is ALL CONNECTED.

Their conscious minds are making connections and their physical bodies are portraying what those connections are… its ALL connected.

My post partum depression was connected to lack of sleep…that is what set it off…(I am not saying well rested people can not be depressed, sometimes that happens too). That set off a chain of events that led my physical body to portray what my mind and heart were going through.

The same thing happens when sin comes into play…lets look at say…rage. When someone gets the feeling of rage, is it just an emotional only response? no. its physical too. Their blood starts pumping, their heart starts pounding, sometimes a vein pops out that is warning signs and then the anger spills from our hearts into our mouths and we do a verbal vomiting at whomever we are angry at…or whomever is closest sometimes.

I struggle with this too! Yes, I am a christian and I struggle with rage and anger.

THAT was hard to share. Sharing about PPD is hard to share. But why do I do it? Why did I write a post about “Bathroom” issues (that, too, was hard to share)? Here is why. Sometimes if we don’t share, people don’t see the real us. They don’t see that sometimes we too are hurting, human beings in need of help from our Savior, and also in need of help from the people he has put here on this earth! We like to be all tough and have this persona of “I can handle ANYTHING that comes my way… I am SUPERMOM…or SUPER WIFE…or SUPER CHRISTIAN” or really any form of Super that we can think of. We want others to think of us as the best.

I get that, I really do. I do NOT like it when my worst day is mixed with others seeing me at my worst…but sometimes its a relief. Its a sigh of “oh good..I can stop pretending in front of you that I have a handle and a grasp on EVERY. SINGLE. aspect of my life and I can go from that to asking for advice, or asking a friend to pray with me or to check in on me after I have a baby to make sure I am doing ok.

I think we, as christians, as HUMANS, need to start opening up with each other. Sharing our burdens with each other so we don’t get bogged down. I know when I have opened up and shared with others my physical struggles, but also my emotional struggles, what I find is that…. I am not alone. I am not the only one dealing with this (whatever THIS may be) and the other person was just DYING for someone to say something first.

So here you go, I am saying something first.

I have been through the battle of Post Partum Depression, I am on the other side and Lord Willing, I will not have to go through it again. But this time I am going to be prepared in case I do. I am working my way through helping my body to understand how it all works together, I am helping my body to understand how best to function in every day life so I have less physical pain. I am learning how to rehabilitate my mind to a different way of thinking so I don’t fall into the temptation of rage, or of some other sin. I am learning to be PRO-active in stead of RE-active. I am planning ahead (hence the study on anger, and talking about PPD and learning how to work with my body).  Part of all that learning is WITH the Tummy Team and Kelly Dean and all the work they do.  Part of that is with Fit2B studios and the caring love that has been shown to me there (Thank you Beth!)…part of that is with my weekly biblical based study on how to handle anger in a godly way with my girlfriends…part of that is with being open with my husband when I am struggling and ASKING for help and knowing that ITS ok to ask for help. It does NOT make you less of a super mom, super wife, super christian, or super _______  (fill in the blank)…it makes you a better one. When you ask for help, more often than not…you will get it. Please do not get me wrong. I think the ultimate source of all wisdom is God and his word, you will be AMAZED at the answers you find there for the help that you need, and often when I find myself getting angry or down in the dumps, if I start reading Gods word, it helps lift me up and out. Sometimes when I was going through my struggles however… I could not find my bible, let alone find my way to what I was supposed to do with what I had just read…want to know why? Because: I.Did.Not.Ask.For.HELP. Simple right? sooooooooo not simple though. Again, learning to be PRO-Active instead of RE-Active. I am learning that with my mind AND with my body.

If you  need help or just want to talk to someone about Post Partum Depression, or having anger issues, or having pain in your belly or back or sciatica or something doesn’t feel right. Feel free to talk to me. I am more than willing to talk or to pray for you or to help you if I can. I know about PPD and bathroom issues, and anger issues…those I can help with, because I have been there… If you are wanting someone to help you with pain in your belly, back, sciatica, etc…talk to the folks over at The Tummy Team, and check out Fit2B Studios because they have been there. Don’t be Re-active…be Pro-Active.

Thanks for sharing my thoughts.

Share yours with me in the comment section.



Prenatal Journey part 2… Tummy Team core training

Hey all,

I just wanted to give a little more insight into my journey through The Tummy Teams prenatal program that I am doing.

One of the things that has stuck out to me has been the pain. Not the pain of doing the exercises, they ARE harder to do than I thought at first… to be quite honest I thought, How hard can it be to bring your belly in while you breathe out? I already do that as part of my fitness routine with Fit2B studios, Phsaaaaw I GOT this.

uhm yeah. I stand, actually I am sitting, before you quite humbled and eating my words. This stuff is WORK! Trying to breathe out, while sucking my tummy in, while not engaging any other muscles that are trying to compensate for my lack of strength in my core.. wow. You know how many times I have had to STOP and start over again, doing it correctly? I did not realize that I have been doing it wrong this whole time! sigh. That’s alright, I am NOT giving up on this.

This is tough work because…well…its work! lol Work is tough, but that does not mean that we give up on it. It means we just keep working. I tell my piano students “Practice does NOT make perfect. Practice just makes permanent… PERFECT practice makes perfect”. Saying it to myself, I now know why my students dislike that saying so much! Its because its true and it does not allow for any excuses.

During one of the videos, Kelly asks us to write down some of the symptoms we have been experiencing, and any pain we might be dealing with. I thought…oh this will be really quick! I am pregnant so that is a symptom and…that was all I could think of!

Until I started writing..then I remembered I am dealing with this pain…and that pain, and oh yeah, that other pain! Kelly, founder of The Tummy Team, said that alot of time people come in and say “I have a high tolerance for pain” and what that really tells her is that they have pain that they have been dealing with for a long time.

That is me. I would not say I have a high tolerance for pain, I utterly DISLIKE pain…but I would say that I have been dealing with pain for a long time.

As I was thinking about this blog the other day, it made me think about after I relearned how to walk. A day stands out in my memory of me and my best friend getting ready to go somewhere and I asked her “do I look normal”…knowing all of the stuff I had been through, she knew that I was NOT talking about my lack of style. I was talking about
“do I look like I still need to bring the wheelchair in case this trip is too much?” I remember her telling me that it looked like my hips were weird. Like I was sticking my pelvis out…as I had to do during rehab because I had to hold onto the parallel bars (hard to do with one arm in a cast still), take a shaky step forward with teh PT stood behind me holding onto the gait belt wrapped around my waist in case my legs gave out…which they often did. usually after 1 step until my muscles started remembering what they were meant to do, and HOW to do it. I remember how excited I was when I walked the whole length of the parallel bars…maybe a total of 5 feet, and crying my eyeballs out and looking up and seeing my moms excited face because I had done it!!! I walked again! THAT was painful and tough work.  THESE exercises are tough work. Not painful. but it brings back so many memories of pain and what my body has gone through. It also made me think “How has relearning how to walk affected my core for the worse?”  Did I inadvertently learn something back then that has been affecting my body now?

In another one of the prenatal core training videos, from The Tummy Team, Kelly talks about our emotions affecting us and to have loving thoughts towards our core. I do not think that I have had “hateful” thoughts toward my core Per Se, but I did not realize how many emotions that going through this program would bring to the surface.


The reason my best friend, Cassie, knew what I was talking about when I asked her about “normal” was from the fact that the accident I was in happened on her wedding day…and she, along with a whole boatload of other people, were my support group and went through my healing journey with me. Anyone else and they probably would have answered very cautiously with a “what is normal?” She knew what I was talking about though. I was to be her maid of honor. Suffice it to say that didn’t happen and I missed one of the most important days of my best friends life…the day she got married to her other best friend, which also happens to be my big brother… no guilt there or anything (yes, that was sarcasm.) I do feel guilt over the whole thing. Even though the accident was not my fault, I still grieve over the fact that I missed being there and going through that joyous time with her and instead of emotions flowing freely at the wedding, no one was able to cry because they were concerned that if they did let tears flow that they would not be able to stop them because they were concerned about how I was doing. Instead of focusing on pre-wedding jitters and us nervously laughing about the honeymoon and enjoying pictures being taken of all of us in our wedding finery…Cassie, my best friend, was left at the church building waiting for Kevin to get back to the church building after coming to the ER to check on me and see how I was doing (I remember vaguely seeing him in between one of the procedures they did on me that night..from trying to set my broken wrist (they later had to redo it and put screws and plates in my wrist), popping my hip back into socket, putting a screw into my sacrum to hold it together, to putting an external fixator into my pelvis because it was broken on both sides). The wedding was an hour late due to that fact, but everyone understood thankfully and they still had a big attendance…but it was NOT the day of their dreams, or of mine.

So as I said in the beginning of this post, the thing that has stood out to me about this program has been the pain. The physical pain that my body has been holding onto for quite some time, alot of it, I am sure, after-effects of the car accident, but also the pain that my emotions bring to the forefront while working to strengthen my core and remembering everything that is has been through.

I am not letting it stop me from continuing this journey…because in a way, dealing with the various pains is a type of healing too.

If you would like to heal your core, and maybe some emotions along with it, take a look at The Tummy Teams Site and make sure to use the code “JESSEBECKY” (no quote marks) during check out to receive 25% off of the price of the program.  Only good for the next week and a half people so make sure to take advantage of it!

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for reading mine.

My Gluten Free Journey

Alright, so a fb friend asked me to keep track of my “GF” journey and I thought, why not? I already have a blog, might as well blog about something so near (and not quite dear yet) to my heart.

Here is the back story of why I am going gluten free.

Since I was 15 I have had “stomach issues”. This would involve every time I ate dairy, whether it was milk, ice cream, cheese, cheesecake, sour cream…whatever, any time I would eat it, severe cramping of my abdomen. Enough that I felt like the clip they show of the movie “Alien” where a creature slices through some ladies stomach and pops out…yeah. I felt that I had someone slicing me open from the inside out…combine that with hours of not being able to leave the vicinity of the nearest bathroom and vomiting and you pretty much get a picture of what I was going through. Come to think of it, a friend of mine who has endometriosis seems to describe the same type of pain at times. (I was scared I had THAT too). Now stay with me, why dairy when I am talking about gluten? I’ll get there. Its all back story. Sorry…no pun intended.

Anyway, since that time I tried cutting out all dairy products. That worked for awhile, but I would STILL have symptoms described above and I never understood it.

Fast forward about 9 years to when I had been married for a few years and was on my husbands insurance. After quite a few episodes of this happening he suggested I go in for some testing to rule out different possibilities since a few people we knew had crohns disease and such. Did said tests, got results back, biopsy’s and everything..what I was TOLD at the time was that I have IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Was told to “lay off the coffee, caffeine, nicotene, and continue on the no dairy diet”. Since I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t chew and only drank pop occasionally, and had been doing dairy free for years…I thought that IBS was just doctor code for “We don’t know what you have so this is an answer we are giving you to make you happy”. I was not happy but did not think there was anything I could do.

Fast Forward about 6 years to present time (Marty and his Delorian have NOTHING on this time travel) and I am fed up.

I have been married 10 years dealing with this, that is tough of me when I get a flare up, tough on friends, tough on my husband who can’t do anything for me at the time except keep the kids away from my while I have my tummy “Issues”. Which is code for diarrhea. Yes, I said it. I HATE discussing this stuff in front of people but thankfully you can’t see my face turning red as I type, but I am hoping that this will help someone else figure out what is going on with them…so please excuse my embarrassment. Honestly I have gotten so tired of having to tell people answers for what is going on when the answers I have for them don’t seem like any sort of answers to ME, how can they seem like answers to other people.

I started seeing a new doctor and had the brilliant idea, Thank you Lord!, of having my old medical records sent from the doctors up in Seattle to my doctor down here. I have only seen this dr 3 times but I like her already. I told her about the past, yadda yadda, tests, IBS, Yadda yadda…while we are looking at the test results she says “Oh…well the results were pretty conclusive that they thought you had it, it just wasn’t 100% conclusive that you did, so that mixed with the results you are already getting from going gluten free is enough to diagnose you with it”…HALLELUJAH! I have answers! I KNEW I wasn’t crazy and that there was a reason I still felt like garbage after getting rid of dairy. Now mind you, our diet has not been the most unhealthiest of diets. We ate only wheat bread (12-15 grain if we had it), drank coconut milk, or almond milk, I make a TON of meals from scratch, LOADS of fruits and veggies, running, rowing, walking, tons of Water (which is what we drink mainly with occasional bits of juice thrown in) and I STILL had flare ups. After doing EVERYTHING the doctors had told me to.

This marks a week that I have been all Gluten Free and the difference is amazing.

I had had friends years ago tell me about going Gluten Free but their symptoms did not line up EXACTLY with mine…so I dabbled in it, but never realized before what all has gluten in it. There is a LONG list of stuff that has gluten in it, from toothpaste to chili to cream of mushroom soup! Seriously, why is there WHEAT in my CHILI or in my Pork and Beans? Toothpaste?! Craziness.

What I did not realize at the time of talking with my friends is that the symptoms do not ALL Have to line up EXACTLY. Apparently IBS is a good indicator of Celiacs disease. So is Ezcema, severe abdominal cramping, depression and easily angered. Now wait a sec? Moods affected by what you eat you  might ask? Yes. I know for some of you this might be old hat but to me alot of this is brand new. I KNEW I felt worse when I did not eat protein for breakfast, so I quit eating cereal and milk for breakfast and instead turned to oatmeal quite awhile ago or a smoothie or a handful of almonds…little did I know I was still sabotaging my body and my mood because the stuff I was going for STILL had gluten in it.

A few books that have helped me to kind of ease into this was Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease by Caldwell Esselstyn Jr., M.D., that Terri Forward told me about at a ladies tea up in Longview, Wa. This book while not dealing with celiac’s disease kind of helped ease me into a different way of thinking about food.

For any of you that know me personally know that this is a HUGE deal to me. I LOVE food. I enjoy going out to eat (even a salad!) with friends, or pastries (which were occasional treats), or just…food. I did not follow this diet to a “T” but it did help institute some different changes and gave me ideas for vegan  recipes for foods that I already loved and couldn’t have due to IBS or my milk intolerance/allergy thingy I had.

The other two books that I have been reading and really seem to help is “Lose the Wheat, Lose the Weight” by William Davis, MD The other books is “Wheat Belly Cookbook” by William Davis, MD.

I won’t re-write the books for you, but I finally feel like I have somewhere to go to for answers healthwise as far as celiac’s disease is concerned.

I will try to post in here often about recipes I have tried and loved and let you know how my journey is going.

I will say this for the first part of the week I was tired, (anyone know any mother that ISN’T tired??), more so than usual and have broken out in pimples on my forehead in what reminds me of my pre-teen years, after reading a bit, found out that is completely normal and is whats known as “wheat withdrawal” symptoms. Yes, you can laugh. My Name is Becky Jesse and I have been addicted to wheat…my whole life. No more though. I am breaking the cycle of wheat dependency and opening up a whole new world of interesting yummy food out that there is NOT going to mess with my intestines and NOT make prone to anger and NOT make me embarrassed to be somewhere and have to find out where EVERY SINGLE BATHROOM is because even though you make sure you didn’t eat any dairy, you still ate the bread and out of nowhere it hits…no more thank you very much! Gluten, you and I are through.

Thanks for reading, stay tuned for more “Adventures in GF Land with your host, Becky Jesse”….or you can make up another cool title. 🙂 ~Becky

*disclaimer: I am in no way stating that endometriosis and Celiac’s is the same, just that the pain seemed similar. Also, I am not a doctor, please seek medical advice before following any diet advice. Also, I am not stating that I have no say in my actions and blaming gluten, just simply stating without gluten in my system for the past week, I have been a LOT calmer and find myself not in a fog near as much. Think that covers it. Yep. *


Preparing for pain….

My husband last night was talking to me about a friend of his that had/has cancer and was going to have surgery. In her journal she mentioned that the doctors told her it would hurt. A lot. And she mentioned “How do you prepare yourself for pain?”

That just got me to thinking of all the things I have gone through that have been painful and what i might have done before hand if I would have known I was going to go through pain. I.e., car accident, hiking accident, multiple concussions…and the one closest to my mind right now- Labor.

Some of you might be getting tired of me writing about kids or labor or pain, but that is whats on my mind right now. How do you prepare your mind mentally and your body physically for something that you KNOW Is going to hurt like crazy???  I have been praying since shortly after I got pregnant that I would be able to labor and deliver this baby without the epidural. I do not think its wrong to get one, I just really want to do it without this time and since I know myself and would rather get something to ease the pain, I figured I would present it to the one who knows my body the best and ask for help from the One who created me…God.

THAT prayer and thought and what is coming up that we remember at this time (the resurrection of our Lord) got to me to thinking of how Jesus prepared for pain. He did the same thing I am doing – he prayed!

Albeit I think the pain and suffering he went through FAR outweigh labor and delivery, especially the mental part of him taking on our sins and being separated from God,  but the bible says that he sweat drops as blood BEFORE the pain started…and while he was on the cross they tried to give him wine mixed with gall, from the studies I have heard the reason is because it was supposed to ease the pain and he denied it!!! I am not sure I will be so strong to do that, I have asked the midwives to not even bring it (pain meds) up to me unless *I* ask for it.

My thoughts are all jumbled on this post but with everything that is going on, I thought it was something worthy to think on. How did Jesus prepare for pain? How would I have prepared my body for the pain of having my bones broken (car accident), or my head cracked against a rock (hiking accident), my head cracked against a car part (concussions) and how am I preparing my body for labor? How do/can I prepare mentally for the pain of labor and delivery?

How do /did/ would YOU prepare for pain?